This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
