GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
