I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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