I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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