Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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