I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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