Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
