my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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