It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
