There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
