So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
