theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
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The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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