You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
