New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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