that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
