you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
