nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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