I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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