I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
