he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
