I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
