I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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