I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
