I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
