Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
