dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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