apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
