So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
where are my eyebrows?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
