New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
