two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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