what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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