So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
