just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
this just has baby written all over it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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