No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
