two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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