Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
