Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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