i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
