I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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