Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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