Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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