I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
