hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
