my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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