I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
