She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
