I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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