When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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