Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
