Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
