When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
