did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
