I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
