I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
