OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
