I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
