I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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