Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
