So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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