Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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