paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
