Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
