Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
